The Kt we loved

The Kt we loved
"I just might hurt you if you don't move that camera." — Kt

Saturday, May 21, 2011

In Dreams

I dreamed about Katie last night. Entirely too realistic: could have been a year ago, nothing out of the ordinary, just her being a testy teenager.

She was moving a couple of boxes that had some fragile things in them, and despite them being marked FRAGILE and me telling her to be careful, she picked one up sideways and the contents fell out. Didn't break, though; just kind of bounced. So, of course, in her mind that meant my ire at her carelessness was misplaced.

Then I woke up and realized the reality, and now I can't get my head straight.

Monday, May 9, 2011


So yesterday was Mother's Day, and tomorrow makes six months. Not a particularly good weekend for us, much worse for Anita than me.

When I was much younger, someone told me that there are things that I wouldn't understand without having experienced them — falling in love, having a child, etc. Whoever it was (wish I could remember!) convinced me that such things should be filed under "incomprehensible" — not in the sense of "Geez, I can't imagine why someone would be strange/foolish/whatever enough to do that", but in the true sense of "I cannot understand that and thus must not judge".

I'm not claiming to have been perfect at following this rule, but on occasion, I've managed it. People who kept a lost child's room intact as a quasi-shrine were always in this category.

Now, of course, I have had the requisite experience. And I find myself alternating between wanting to leave everything of Katie's as it is forever, and wishing that a tornado would level the house (preferably while we aren't home; for extra credit, leaving the neighbors' homes untouched). Who knows, the way the weather is going this could come true...

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Biting My Tongue

More and more I find myself biting my tongue in public.

I'm sure that sounds strange, but consider this common scenario: I find myself in an elevator with a young couple and their gorgeous little child. My first inclination is to say "He/She is beautiful", but I'm afraid it's going to come out with a hitch in my voice or a weird overtone, and make the parents nervous. Worse, they might ask if I have any children, at which point what am I going to say?

So I smile and nod and try not to look like I'm fighting demons. And after an hour or two of this, I'm done: it's time to go home before I lose it.

Even worse is running into people whom I know but don't consider close friends. They ask how I'm doing, and of course they want to hear that I'm fine, but I'm not. And I don't want to unload on them, because that isn't actually going to make me feel any better, and certainly won't improve their day. So I wind up saying "We're struggling" (understatement) and changing the subject.

On the other hand, occasionally I run into someone I know who is close enough that they "get it": they understand that of course I'm not OK, and really want to know how I'm doing today. These people are lifesavers, because I don't need to explain anything to them, and they have no expectations for me to fail to live up to.

Best of all, these people remind me of Katie's goodness and impact on so many people. Anyone who knows me is well aware that I'm not a "spiritual" person, but there's an energy transfer that occurs in these situations that some would put in that category.