Someone commented that I "seemed to be doing remarkably well". This wasn't a strictly positive comment: it clearly had a note of "...and that seems wrong".
What they were referring to was that in social situations, I often seem pretty OK. Part of it is that I crave the everyday interaction with other people. I suspect this is a function of working from home, where I'm relatively isolated from other people's day-to-day lives (I have my love Anita, of course, but that's our life, and I already know what's going on there).
But the biggest reality is that it's all an illusion. I wrote before about someone saying, "I don't know how I'm supposed to act", and that's still true. I do know how to act -- in all of the varied senses of the word -- around other people, in casual situations -- shopping, visiting, or whatever.
And that's actually a comfort to me, because, Goddamnit, I do not know how I'm supposed to act in real life. I can't go around being a sad sack every minute: I mean, I suppose I could, but I'm not going to, it's too hard. I can't just hide, though in a lot of ways I'd like to. But I know how to do small talk, so I do that. Maybe this is weird, I dunno, but it's where I'm at now.
Saga link of the day: "If I Were You"
The Kt we loved
"I just might hurt you if you don't move that camera." — Kt
Rest assured my dear friend, you are acting how YOU are supposed to act. No one could know how you feel--that's a level most people can't even imagine emotionally. But I am so glad you are sorting through you emotions in writing. You do well with small talk (true), but you do best in this format. I look forward to reading your passages and going through this journey with you. Hugs and much love, Holly.
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